Wednesday, May 18, 2011
So my days get worse! My manager is a bitch! My husband is a fucking mental mess and I am drained and exhausted from all the drama at home and at work! My body feels as though someone tied every muscle into a knot! I dread each new day because I know it comes with more stress and pain. Injustice want To go back 3 months and change the decisions I've made, but I can't! It is time to suck it up and just survive, something I'm sick of doing! I wanna chance to live! Wasn't in the cards for me to be successful or have joy! My world turned into shit back in 2000 and it has been like living in a horrible nightmare ever since. I know I'm sane, maybe too sane! Sometimes I believe insanity is a defense mechanism I wish I possessed! Unfortunately, I was blessed with a brain that is useless!I'm still living on nothing but shear willl to survive and the hope that there truly is a pot of gold at the end of every rainbow!
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Home to more pain, more fighting, more unhappiness, more failure. Wishing I could just escape. Maybe I should disappear! Living like this isn't living at all it is simply going through the motions of daily life with no joy! Is it worth it? Fighting for everything... not so sure! Gonna go cry for real this time in an effort to detoxify my body of these thoughts. I feel like I can't hold the water back and that the dam is about to burst! Sorrow is what I have the most of! My onlywish before I die is to find a way to feel true happiness unselfishly!
So, I've begun to realize that everyday brings the same misery as the day before. Here is my typical day. I wake up around 6 am usually with pain in my neck and shoulders. My daughter comes into my room throwing her usual morning before I Have my ADHD medication fit. Then my sons join on the I'm hungry chant. My husband gets up in his usual foul mood. I get dressedget the kids ready shower and head out to drop them off at daycare and then I go off to work! I bust my ass all day for shit money! I then get to be picked up by my husband with screaming children in the car. It is Then home to feed the kids, bathe them and get them to bed. I then get to watch TV and pass out in exhaustion. So I have begun to ponder if it is worth getting up everyday? I have missed my kids growing up. My marriage has fallen apart due to lack of support and understanding and I feel like a shell of a person that I used to be!! I work to barely get by! I reflect on What I did to deserve this! I am a smart woman with absolutely nothing to show for it on my life!! Now I'm living in Iowa far away from anyone I know. I am miserable with no where to turn. Crying inside happens daily because no one would care if I did it out loud! I used to think success was a result of hard work! Now I know success is all a result of who you know and lucky events! Guess I was destined to be a nobody! At least from here I can see the ground! People who think they are better than me should realize that all of us come to the same end an uncertain death! Someday. I will be out of my misery! It is just a matter of how much longer this will last!